Sunday, April 15, 2012

The battler

Raquel doesn't budge an inch.
She's been a monster of late.  Flailing fits of rage and total irritation.
She has woken grumpy of late and pushed it on through the entire day.

I'm in shock.  This isn't that happy go lucky kid of just a few months ago. 

It's like she's 1.5 turning 16.5.

The evening sleeps, again part of the same.
Her feet  are likely very sore and itchy, but it's nearly everything that sets her off.
I'm not so sure it's not partly about how much we hold her back.  She just wants to go.
Walk around the grass.
Climb up the concrete stairs.
Sit in the dirt and sniff the flowers.
Rough house with Cordelia and I.

It's not that we don't let her do all that, but it's with so many conditions and heavy guidance.  It's clear she just wants her freedom.

Wow.  Is it ever going to get complicated with our lifestyle and Raquel's expectations.
What a F'n terrible disease. The mental parts are now rearing their heads.  I'm seeing how babies are actually quite simple.  I had thought once reason came into the equation we'd be alright.

Problem is we have no guarantee she's be a reasonable kid.

We're entering into the stages now where many of the things we do are definitely going to start to effect her personality, her goals and limits she places for herself.  Her spirit is undeniably strong.  She just does not break.  So much she basically falls asleep before it appears she's given in.  Then when she wakes back up in the morning or worse late in the night and goes right back at it - full bore.

This mornings example.
She started screaming as soon as she woke up.  I tired to feed her but she was thrashing so much I could no longer hold her and because I couldn't control her thrashes I put her back into her padded crib.  She basically screamed her self to choking with a little blood in her saliva.  By that time she'd let it out, but it was a fine line from then on all day.  Didn't matter what Ren and I were doing.  Eventually the overflow of grumpiness took hold of another family member.  For once it wasn't me.

But now to figure out how to keep her strong and without borders in the sense of spirit, yet get that mean streak of hers in control.  Oh BoY do I hope this is just a passing phase.  I think in the last year and a half I've proved to myself I can handle the disease, I'm now starting to worry I'm not going to be able to handle the person affected by it...

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