Monday, November 21, 2011

Little Miss with an Attitude

Wonder where she's getting that from?
Certainly not from her mom.  Wonder if it's from her sister?
A couple days ago I asked Cordelia to "get me a glass of water".
Her answer, "I'm not your servant Daddy".
That happened quick!! She's got 7 more years till she's a teen dammit.
What's with the kids these days?  It's not like I asked her to go get me a beer, clean the toilet, put away all my ski gear.
Raqu on the other hand was in a plain pissy mood.  She had none of Cordelia's humour of defiance that I promote in this family wholeheartedly.
She just crawled around demanding everything and anything.  When she didn't get it after her second,  'ahhhh' and thumb point.  She'd break down in a fit of growls.
This went on for hours.
It's pretty clear by the state of her right foot that she's got good reason to act grumpy.  It's a mess and no where near healing, as the blood and exudate pushes through the dressings within hours.
Renata and I were forced to do an extra rewrap of her foot in hopes it would keep her comfortable through the night.
That extends 2/3's around the bottom.

She's been walking on her tip toes all day and the knee is bent at a seemingly right angle.  Even the greatest of cowboys got nothing on this little bowl legged gem.  It was doing so well before this blister.  It seemed her leg was straightening and ankle more rigid.
At this rate, she ain't ever gonna walk.  FK!
But I know, a wheel chair awaits.  It's the future.

It's ever clear why Ren and I can't do dressing changes together.  The change earlier went very well, all things considered.  Raquel behaved till the very end when she finally had enough of laying down.  I had finished as was leaning against her change pillow she lays on with my bandage scissors still in hand.  She twisted and curled up hitting her head against the blunt tip.
I instantly felt sick to my stomach as her face and eyes immediately scrunched up and she belted out a cry.  I couldn't be sure in those first few moments if I'd poked her eye and the rage built up inside very very quickly.
I had to turn away so as not to burst in my typical verbal diarrhea.  Thankfully Renata said her eyes were open not three seconds later.
I can't imagine had I poked her in the eye just then what damage that would have done.
For the following moments I was spent just from the fear of what I could have done.  Yet I had to be apart of still looking after Raquel.  These are the rare moments Renata and I lash at one another.
If she wasn't there, then she, like I for her see that present weakness and take over.  When there isn't a person around strong enough at that time, then it can all go south very rapidly.


I read two of the posts from Kourtney's Mom's blog and Tripp's Mom's today, the combination of the two and overlapping of certain subjects has me a little on edge.  Hard not to let the mind wander and stay within the now or come unglued.
I can appreciate this is likely one of the best times we'll ever have with Raquel's overall health.  I hope this won't be the case, but much I've experienced and read, points to many sad outcomes.

I take a look at Raquel and her face is now bashed and beaten with large sores nearly joining in Pangaea.  I often feel obliged to tell people in lineups that not all of those sores are from me dropping her on her face.  Truly they aren't all my fault I'd exclaim many can be blamed on my mom, my wife, my other daughter and the odd Dammit Janet.
I've read some of Daylon's moms posts about how some people have done the bizarrest SH&% in shopping marts etc.
Often people look at Raquel and then start up a conversation.
She's so cute etc.  In those moments, I only see all her sores and my beaten child.  I get nervous and spout way too much information.  It's hard to step back and see her for who I see her in every other moment of her existence. 
It weird and uncomfortable to feel that disconnect with my daughter.
I have to get over it.  Eventually, she'll pick up on my nervousness and that can not be good.
Obviously like anything practice makes perfect.
I'll have two weeks to do as I will.
Need to find a baby back pack so I can take her fishing in the river.  hehe and Renata won't be around to say no.

OH,  Janet's second spawn does not appreciate me referring to her as anything but Lyric.
Hahaha, she was best to have said nothing I might have gotten bored and eventually called her by her birth name, then what I've chosen in this blog.
Poor poor Lyric.

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